Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
