Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So vagazzling was a success
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
