It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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