Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
