she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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