$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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