saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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