The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
