Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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