12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
