I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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