I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
