i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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