I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
