I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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