you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
