I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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