can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
