If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
