You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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