Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
