Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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