Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
