You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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