Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
