My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
