Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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