Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
