M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
