hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
