2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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