So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
