The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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