We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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