Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
