I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
