I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
