Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
