Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
