i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
