3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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