I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
