My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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