i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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