When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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