Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
