so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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