Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
