My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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