Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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