I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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