God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
