I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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